1. You may be attracted by his apparent strength, confidence, determination, aggressive masculinity the kind of qualities you know you lack. 2. Or it may be his vulnerability that appeals. You might find yourself saying: he just needs someone to really, really love him (and heal his pain.) Why does it need to be you? Feeling sorry for someone is no basis for a loving, equal relationship. (Your focus has shifted from you, your wants and your needs, to his. He has replaced you as the centre of your universe.) 3. He really, really wants to hear about all the problems youre having at the beginning of the relationship. He may even have the same problems himself. (Be very wary, he may be doing one of two things: he may be learning all about your Achilles heel and the best buttons to push in the future to humiliate and control you; or he may be encouraging you to feel that at least he understands what youre going through. 4. He expects a big return on his investment. He may seem happy to put your needs and wishes first for a little while, but it wont be long before he starts saying: Look at everything I do for you. You should be doing X, Y and Z for me. 5. The relationship moves forward very fast. (Abusive men woo as fast as they can. They know that they cant sustain consistent good behaviour for very long. Good behaviour doesnt give them the pay offs they want. For more on that see The Circle of Violence) 6. He talks at length, and interestingly about himself. You share a common interest him. 7. The women who hes had relationships with in the past didnt understand him and let him down or behaved badly. (Be afraid.) If at all possible, you want to meet these women and hear their point of view. If he can badmouth them, can you be sure you wont be next? 8. His relationship with his family has broken down. They may have let him down too. 9. There are areas of his life that hes not telling you about. (Rest assured, there is a good reason for that.) 10. Hes got a history of alcohol and/or drug abuse, and possibly violence. 11. When you first meet him, theres something about him that you dont like. (You can do it the hard way, or the easy way. Choose not to trust your intuition and youll probably pay for it. Big time. Your intuition is there to keep you safe.) 12. Hes all sweetness and light with you, but he shows quite different behaviours with other people. (Rest assured that, with time, youll become other people.) 13. There are odd blips when his behaviour leaves you feeling that youre dealing with someone you dont even know. (The good behaviours that you like are his best or courting behaviours. The blips are an indication of his real self and what the future will hold; increasingly.) 14. He can always find reasons for not spending time with your friends and family. He may try to discourage you from spending time with them also. The more he can isolate you, the more power he will have over you. 15. Hes not happy to accept you the way you are. (Maybe its because he can see all your potential better than you can. Maybe its because, with his input, you could present yourself so much better to the world; in his eyes anyway.) 16. Hell remind you regularly what a wonderful guy he is and how lucky you are to have him. (Although he might also admit that hes a loser when hes feeling low, or else to get you back on side.) If you have any doubts that your partner may be, or may become, abusive, take the relationship slowly and listen to the advice of friends and family whose judgement you can trust. If you don't like what they say and find yourself replying: "But you don't understand. He's not like that...", the chances are, you're wrong and they're right. Any of the above should be considered an important warning sign. If you hear ANY alarm bells going in your head, listen to them carefully and act on them right away. The damage an abusive relationship causes is cumulative. You cannot make an abusive relationship work by putting up and shutting up. It will drain you dry. It is quite possible to break away from the hooks of abusive relationships, but it can be very hard to do without help. Enlisting the help of someone who understands and is skilled at helping women work their way through the problems of an abusive relationship will really speed your recovery. (C) 2006 Annie Kaszina |
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