Do you have toxic communication in your relationship? This is an example of how someone would explain to their partner how the dynamics of their communication concerning their relationship problem played out. The conversation would start out like this.

I remember so many times when we would tell the other that we did not understand something that had happened or could not figure out the meaning of an action or word between us, that had caused so many of the problems.

I really believe it is because many times we would have already formed an opinion, perception or assumptions regarding certain situations. They were based on past experience and some were based on recent experiences. Back then, we both ruminated a lot and this caused those opinions, perceptions and assumptions to become very strongly embedded in our belief system.

It seems that the scenario would play out this way;

There would be a subject that would tap into the past or present experiences. This would bleed the fearful memory into the thought of the subject for one of us. It would then tap into one of the many emotions of anxiety, worry, loss of control, guilt, insecurity, abandonment etc. associated with that memory.

Then, I believe this would trigger us to ruminate on the subject. When we ruminate, we are not able to see past our fears and distinguish between past experience and/or present realities. We then develop the misperception and inaccurate assumptions about this certain subject and this would lead to the development of a negative wrong belief about the subject. The incorrect negative belief would be so strong and sensitive from the rumination, that we would be preoccupied by its thought. This would lead to a stronger negative belief and increased hyper-vigilance and acute sensitivity to the subject

The next step in the cycle is when we would discuss this situation and the non-sensitized person would try to give their take on the situation to the one with the belief. When the reality did not match an erroneous negative belief held by the sensitized person, the ingredients were in place for volatility. This would lead to easily triggered reactions, emotional tension, and extreme anxiety, seething anger and then rages or withdrawal

The problem was we did not have the knowledge and strength to be honest with ourselves because we were so busy fighting to protect our incorrect negative belief.

In hind sight I believe the secret to stopping this toxic communication would have been for us to realize that it is all about

Giving of ourselves and not taking
Always be empathic and forgive
Always love unconditionally
If faced with a fear, share it safely and then walk through it

If only we could have had the help to see how we were casing so much pain and anguish during this cycle to each other, maybe we could have saved our relationship. We all make mistakes; hopefully we will learn from them so in the future we do not repeat them.

Glenn Cohen

Glenn Cohen is a professionally licensed relationship coach through the Relationship Coaching Institute and completed his coaching proficiency skills through the Coach’s Training Institute. His personal life challenges inspired his study of the dynamics of relationships and the complex emotional factors, which contribute to successful communication, peace, joy, and happiness versus disappointment, frustration, resentment, and conflict.

Through research and successfully coaching couples, Glenn developed the principles and methodology of the “Co-Create a Conscious Relationship”™ program. In addition to coaching couples, today Glenn trains other coaches, healthcare professionals and religious counselors on the use of the “Co-Create a Conscious Relationship”™ program for pre-marital and committed couples.

He attended the University of South Carolina and holds a Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Texas. Through his experiences and years of research, he was inspired to create a program that encompassed the “best of the best” from other professionals and his own personal journey. This all-inclusive, comprehensive manual has been praised by professionals and clients alike.

Glenn Cohen’s proven methods have resulted in clients creating a happier and more satisfying life. The results offer a solid foundation for relationships that embrace safety, friendship, trust, respect, admiration, joy, passion, and love.

Glenn Cohen currently resides in Charleston, South Carolina, where he continues his private practice coaching individuals and couples. Glenn coaches clients from all over the country via telephone and the internet. You may contact him for individual coaching, couples coaching, a speaking engagement, seminars, or workshops.

Glenn Cohen "I-TO-WE" Relationship Coaching™ Phone: 843-852-9828 gcohen@itowe.org i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com