Better communication skills is the number one goal that couples have when they come to me for coaching. Communication between men and women can be difficult at best given how male and female brains function differently during a discussion. According to the latest brain research, it is believed that information is transmitted differently between the two hemispheres of the brains in men and women during the communication process. Suffice it to say that most of us would agree, research aside, that men and women discuss things on a whole different level. When difficult matters need to be discussed, communication between men and women can be compounded by the emotional and complex nature of the subject matter.

Below, I offer eight ways in which a couple may communicate difficult matters in a less stressful manner that leads to a more productive outcome.

1. Make A Date to Discuss An Important Matter. There's nothing worse than springing a matter of importance on our partners at the dinner table. When a serious matter (or even a less serious matter, but one of importance) needs discussion, it is wise to consult one another as to when it might be mutually beneficial to engage in a dialogue about a certain matter. Pick a time and a place where the atmosphere is inviting and where neither of you will be interrupted. You might want to make sure cell phones and/or land line phones are shut off (unless they are an absolute necessity in a dire emergency). Make sure your calendar is cleared and make sure to hold sacred the time you set aside for this discussion.

2. Make No Assumptions (and Take No Captives). When difficult matters need to be discussed, one or both partners may perceive the words, "I need to talk to you about a serious matter" as negative. That doesn't need to be the case. Discussing a serious matter can be a time of deepening the relationship, a time of enrichment and the strengthening of a strong cohesion between partners. It is an opportunity to look at the reality within the relationship that might not otherwise be considered. It is important to leave our assumptions at the door before entering a difficult dialogue. Come to the discussion with an open mind, be yourself, allow for differences, and be ready to offer solutions to the problem.

3. Talk About ONE Topic At A Time. I can hear the resistance already. "But I have so much to talk about and if we don't do it now, we'll never get things resolved!" That's why many people are not successful when talking about serious matters, too much is brought into the discussion at one time. Keep the discussion contained within the context of the immediate situation, resist bringing into your discussion something that happened ten years ago (I know I may be exaggerating my point, but you know what I mean--let the past be the past). Be clear about what you want to discuss, making sure to highlight the important parts that need attention.

4. Prepare Some Ground Rules. Setting ground rules can literally save you from having a catastrophe. How you will conduct yourself is critical; be respectful of each other's thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs; be aware of your emotional barometer and take a time out if necessary. Use "I" statements, rather than "You" statements to avoid blaming, shaming, and accusatory remarks. Be calm and thoughtful in your discussion.

5. Listen With An Open Mind. There is an art to listening. It is about hearing the context of the words. You must listen to the facts and understand the feelings behind the speaker's words. Don't form a defense in your head as the speaker is talking. To avoid ambiguity and miscommunication, reflect back to the speaker what you heard them say; the process also lets the speaker know they have been heard.

6. Speak with Purpose. Don't go on and on; speak with purpose and clarity, while delivering your thoughts in small chunks, checking in with the listener to make sure they've understood what you have stated.

7. Avoid Dangerous Terminology. Be sure not to blame, accuse, demand, command, play 100 questions, or make your issue into a WE issue. Own your own issues. State what you believe to be the facts, speak to how you feel, and clearly state what you want or need. A defense shield will come up before you finish your sentence if you begin your discussion by blaming or accusing the other individual.

8. Be Patient with One Another. Allow for your own ability to be vulnerable, open, honest, and creative. Take a deep breath, if you need to. Effective dialogue between two people must take both feelings and facts into the equation when resolving any issue. Brainstorm solutions without judging the suggestions; decide from the list what is doable; decide on a plan; revisit the plan a couple of weeks down the road; tweak the plan if necessary; continue to work effectively on other matters as they come up.

Ronald Shepard

Horizons Unlimited Life Coaching Services is lead by its founder and solo entrepreneur Ronald M. Shepard, MA. Ron utilizes his skills of over 30 years working in the business field, personal life experiences, and educational background to maximize the lives of business professionals who want to align their personal values with their personal and business success. His experience managing successful businesses, obtaining a well-earned Bachelors Degree in his late 40s and a Masters Degree in his mid 50’s, developing his own successful business, and being successfully married since 1967 has positioned him to understand the challenges of balancing one’s personal and business life while maintaining a successful outcome.