When a spouse feels that he or she always has to be right, you can bet that theres trouble ahead for the marriage. It doesnt take a fortune teller with a crystal ball to predict the future when a spouse is determined to win every argument or disagreement at any cost.

Always having to be right is damaging to relationships because it interferes with healthy communication, shared decision-making, and satisfying intimacy. It is destructive to the self-esteem and self-confidence of the other partner, as well as preventing equality in the relationship.

There is a much-quoted question that asks, Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? The implication is that you cannot be focused on being right and also have happy relationships with others.

Having to be right alienates the other person. And theres certainly truth in Jules Renards advice that If you are afraid of being lonely, dont try to be right.

Good communication is dependent on both partners feeling safe to express their individual viewpoints without being criticized or put down. If one spouse belittles the other one, or shows disrespect for his or her opinions, meaningful communication will not be possible.

Good communication involves the ability to listen to someone without interrupting them or telling them they are wrong. When spouses have good communication skills, they can listen to each other and show respect for the viewpoints expressed, even when they strongly disagree.

According to Epictetus, We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. By listening intently and having a sense of curiosity, you can remain open to your partner while continuing to learn more about him (or her).

But first you have to realize that you do not have all the right answers to everything. No one does. According to Lord David Cecil, The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.

It is arrogant for a spouse to think that his (or her) opinions are always the right ones. It is arrogant to think that there is no value in listening to others and opening up to new viewpoints and approaches. It is arrogant to put others down because they differ in how they think.

You are showing others your own limitations and insecurities if you demand that they admit you are right and they are wrong. When you judge others, you do not define them; you define yourself, observed Earl Nightingale.

One of the marks of intelligence is to know what you do not know and to realize that there is always more to be learned. One of the marks of emotional maturity is to be able to admit when you are wrong, dont have all the answers, or need to apologize. It has been said that the five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, I apologize, and You are right.

Deep, true intimacy cannot develop when you are focused on winning each argument and proving your spouse wrong. If there are healthy relationship boundaries, both individuals can feel safe to express their real feelings and thoughts. Its certainly possible to disagree without being disagreeable and without requiring that the other person admit you are right.

By using good communication skills, you can increase your understanding of why your partner feels as he or she does. By demonstrating respect for your spouses viewpoints, you deepen the intimacy in the relationship. By letting go of your need to always be right or win, you greatly increase your chances of creating and sustaining a happy, satisfying marriage.

The following quotation by an unknown author captures the importance of tolerance in a relationship: The most lovable quality any human being can possess is tolerance. It is the vision that enables one to see things from anothers viewpoint. It is the generosity that concedes to others the right to their own peculiarities. It is the bigness that enables us to let people be happy in their own way.

The spouse who can give heartfelt respect and tolerance to his or her partner is creating a win-win marital relationship where love can grow safely and freely. If you want to be happy, release the struggle and tension over whos right and focus on whats most importantdeepening the feelings of connection and intimacy in your marriage.

Nancy Wasson

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., is the co-author of “Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says ‘I don’t love you anymore!’” She has more than twenty years of experience as a counselor working with individuals, couples, and families. Her current focus is on helping couples who want to keep their marriages strong and avoid divorce. Complete information about her telephone and email coaching and consultation services, as well as her book, is available on the web site. Also on the web site is a sign-up form for the Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine, a free publication providing weekly marriage advice tips.